Our feelings are bullshit..

Not all the time, but most of the time.

So, since the Covid pandemic started in 2019 I discovered that a lot has changed with me to the point where I didn't recognize who I was. Not only was everything on the outside different but everything on the inside of that door started to feel different as well.

My relationship at the time was going through hell after being cheated on and I started to feel a change in my mental and emotional state. Between wearing face masks and being told that hundreds of people were dying everyday around the country, I started to panic while trying to still live a normal life. I was completely separated from family and if you know my family, we are thick as thieves.

My family is everything to me.

Almost a year into the pandemic, I relocated into my own townhome away from my relationship and started to do some deep rooted soul searching.

Alone, staring at a blank wall with nothing but a mattress on the floor, I started to notice that I honestly didn't love myself as much as I should. I was neglecting to give happiness to myself because I was so focused on pouring it into everything else around me.

Sounds crazy, but not uncommon right?

After dealing with so much as a child: foster care, teased for being skinny all my life, unstable living conditions, sex at an early age, being taken to a psychologist because I was "too obsessed with Whitney Houston", etc.. and now as an adult, still learning from my mistakes and not knowing how to cope..

It's a lot.

My doctor, social media and everybody else suggested "therapy."

One of my friends suggested starting a psych med.

And everybody else, didn't know I was going through hell so I continued to smile, laugh and be the VON TAE that everybody thinks they know. Well, I still am the goofy, talented, "skinny-yellow-mother-fucker" (my grandmas use to call me) that everyone knows.

I heard a quote that changed everything for me. It connected all of the things I've been wondering about myself when it comes to my emotional instability.

“Your feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean they're true”

That shit connected so many dots for me. I've never really had an explanation for why I feel "anxiety" or "depressed", aside from..

"Maybe it's childhood trauma"

or "your momma was a crack head so.. maybe..." (my own cousin said this)

Yeah, I've heard it all. But when I actually started to value my own thoughts and feelings outside the bullshit from friends, family and social media dick heads.. I started to feel so much better about my life.

Of course, I still battle with self sabotaging behaviors and all of the shit any therapist would tell you is wrong after two boxes of Kleenex but knowing that my feelings are valid.. meaning, it's okay to feel sad, mad or a piece of shit.. BUT that does not mean that I have to allow those feelings to control how I treat myself and those around me.

Our feelings are truly bullshit.

Yes, today you may not feel good. Tomorrow you may feel the same, but guess what.. you're still alive. There are still 24hrs in the day for you to get up and change your outlook on life.

“Your feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean they're true”

This even applies to dating and how people feel about monogamy.

Yes, stay with me now.

A lot of people cause infidelity issues within relationships due to feelings.

Those feelings are valid.

Yes.

But, they're also not always followed by logical thinking and if they are, a lot of ya'll just don't have the ability to control ya self.

But that's a whole other blog post for another day.

Just saying, again.. our feelings are bullshit. Those same bullshit feelings are the reason why you haven't been to the gym even though your doctor says you should get healthier.

So, I say all of this shit to reiterate: our feelings are bullshit.

Give yourself some love today. Understand that there's a very thin line between those happy feelings and negative ones that continue to push us into a spiraling pit of fuckery.

I want all of us to be happier, healthier and more aware of ourselves.

Turn off the TV

Put down your phone

Sit in silence

...and really get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do. Don't let social media tell you who you are and the opinions of other control how you see yourself. That contributes to those negative feelings that are valid (honest) but not true (all the time).

Just think about all of the things you didn't do or all of the bad things you did because of how you felt. You probably regret doing it right?

I was watching Pastor T.D. Jakes last Sunday and he has a sermon talking about "The Battle or The Soul" which inspired this post. I felt like it was a sign from God, answering a question I always wondered about.

"If I'm always thinking this way (good, bad & ugly), it must be true.. or the right thing to do, right?" I've been seeking an answer for so long and Paster T.D. Jakes hit the nail on the head. Watch the video below starting at 33:00 to 34:20.

"You cannot trust your feelings..."

Thank ya'll so much for continuing to support these blogs and I look forward to sharing more soon.

Take care of yourself,

Von Tae