Updated: Sep 24
Whew. Where do I start?
So, over the last few weeks I've really been dealing with a lot of life's ups and downs to say the very least. Most internal, some from my relationships (friends, family, love life), starting a new job, dealing with the stress of trying to finish my album and just other worldly shit like inflation, another surge of Covid, etc.
So I took it upon myself to figure out why I haven't been my most happiest and I've realized that my distractions have caused me to lose sight of the things that matter the most to me. My distractions meaning social media, porn (shameful insert), long ass phone calls with friends, binge watching shows that I've never seen on Netflix and so forth.
I finally the other day decided to create my 2023 visual board which is an updated version of the one I made years and years ago. Not much has changed aside from relationship goals, business ideas and an upgrade on the car I want. I've realized that I have truly lost track of my goals chasing money solely by working my "9-5", tiring myself out and repeating the cycle of spending, working and trying to find rest somewhere amongst other things.
Some days I honestly just want to disappear.
So, I've been trying to boss up.
I've changed by diet to eating all fruits and vegetables every day with lots of water, trying to get better at getting enough sleep, exercising when I can at least once or twice a week (for now until I rejoin my gym), work and try to stay as sane as possible.
I figure start with my inner self and work my way outward. The healthy foods and dieting is to help with my overall health which includes my energy both physically and spiritually. Easier said than done most days, but I manage.
Yesterday I've come to realize that even through managing my diet, ignoring phone calls when necessary to preserve my half way decent mood, exercising, minding my business and "living life", there's something that really has been bothering me overall.
Now, lets all be adults as we read the rest of this post because I'm sure alot of ya'll can relate.. well, maybe not a lot but a few will.
So, I've been busy doing all of those things trying to get my energy right and I've been in need of friends to chill with who live closer to me. My family and close friends all live in another state or two hours away and when I want to have a quick drink at the bar or night out, I usually spend it with my boyfriend or alone.
Not bad. Honestly.
I love him and I definitely love spending time with myself but what I've come to find out is that upon making friends, there seems to be one thing that has completely ruined a few things for me. Not even in friendships but I'll discuss that a little later.
So sex is obviously not a bad thing when done right. Most of us have had sex, we know what it is and we've experienced all sides of it from those stalker exes who can't get enough to the lack of sex in our current relationships.
Yes, sex can be one of the most rewarding but frustrating thing ever.
Now, the last few weeks I've gone outside of my comfort zone to "make new friends" to chill with. That seemed to be the wrong move honestly. I've created apps to find friends, I've reached out to folks on Facebook who I thought were cool and I've even tried being friends outside of work with co-workers.
Unfortunately I cannot give you a successful report on any of that.
All of them end of a mess.
I won't share too much detail but I will say this..
The main reason why none of them seem to work is because folks can't seem to keep their emotions in check.
I've tried to make friends, they end up wanting to have sex with me..
You date someone for years, move in, fall in love, give them the best years of your life and they cheat on you..
You forgive, you act like you forget and it's still not enough..
They. want. more. sex. and "freedom."
Which is why I say, sex has completely ruined my life.
Can I make a friend without sex being the damn centerfold for your interest? I understand that we are sexual beings, yes. I also understand that I'm attractive and I'm one of one.
We cannot control our emotions but we damn sure can control our actions.
I've lost so many potential friends because of sex being something that's pursued aggressively on their end and because I didn't agree, they backed off by choice or by force.
I understand it. Trust me, I do. I'm a very sexual person. I love sex, when it's done right. But who am I to say whats the right way to wrong way to enjoy sex. Right?
Some people say "sex means nothing to me" when discussing their promiscuity. They can sleep with 100 men in a month and feel no shame or give a second thought about it. I get it, I've been there, but right now.. nah.
Even when done "right", sex just has too many risks for me. You can wear a condom and still somehow catch an STD if it breaks, they slip it off during sex without you knowing, someone date raping for sex using drugs, etc. And ya'll know damn well you have never used a dental dam when giving head so it's likely that everybody has been exposed to some sort of oral sexually transmitted disease.
In today's generation sex and sex workers get more praise (and raises) than doctors.
Not here to judge because like I said, I enjoy sex. I love it honestly.
My issue is that it becomes a problem when I really don't want it to be involved in certain situations. I've lost friends, potential friends, people who I thought were the love of my life, people who I knew from social media (died from AIDS, rape, etc) and I feel like its just getting worse as the generations go on.
I want my sex safe, disease free, with one person, nasty, freaky and most importantly, not from friends, strangers or anybody who doesn't want a monogamous relationship. Unfortunately, even as humans sex in relationships get "boring" or less exciting as time goes on. That's "normal" with any and everything. Shit, I get tired and annoyed with singing sometimes and ya'll know how much I love doing that! But I get it, everybody has wants and needs. Who am I to stop you from being a hoe?
My approach has always been to be open to new things, but never to compromise my health or integrity.
To each their own, I know what I like and don't like.
The way that STD cases and sex addiction are rising with society making it seem like having a "free for all" is okay, especially without rules and regulations doesn't sit well with me. I've experienced my fair share of doctor visits, I've seen a lot of folks in the gay community suffer from complications of AIDS, HIV, other sexual transmitted diseases, down low "straight men" men cheat on their girl for some ass and none of that shit turns me on.
Thankfully I've learned from my mistakes with sex, unfortunately outside of one sex education class I didn't have anyone to teach me about condoms, protecting myself, asking me of I was ever touched as a child, etc. It seemed very taboo back then and I think that's why it's so "open" and okay to do these days.
No one seems to like rules or doing anything the safe way anymore.
Which makes me very nervous about even giving into the thought of having an "open relationship" or being more sexually adventurous in or outside of relationships. Like the old saying goes:
"If you give em an inch.. they'll take a mile."
And my rebuttal to that is, "don't start no shit.. it won't be no shit."
To wrap this up, personally sex has just caused a lot of trauma in my life. From being cheated on multiple times, sex being an issue when trying to have friendships, the many diseases that are out there with not having safe sex, etc. The crazy thing is I was reading a Reddit article about how a group of friends caught Herpes from someone they knew at a party because they all shared the same drink.
No we've all shared a drink, food or kissed someone before on a friend level or maybe even on a frisky one time thing level.. so to know that shit like Herpes is spreading like that, knowing that they got it from having sex just scares the hell out of me.
Maybe I'm thinking too much into it? Maybe I'm not. But I'd rather be safe, called boring for not wanting to be a hoe outside of my thoughts and fantasies than be suffering from multiple strange diseases, exchanging bad energy with weirdos, etc. I've done it briefly before and I'd rather not discuss the consequences.
Half of ya'll don't even have a car or health insurance to make a doctors visit so why the hell would I trust my body sexually with you?
My intention was not to offend the hoes, sex workers, liars and unfaithful individuals who are reading this.
Just venting about how THE WRONG SEX BY AND WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE have completely ruined my idea of sex. I'm cool with safe sex or if things are done before having a threesome to insure we all are disease free to engage. That's cool.
But randomly having sex off the cuff with strangers from apps, on the street, from the club, being lied to and cheated on in relationships cause you wanna be a hoe?
Nah, I'm good on it.
Well thanks for reading my rant. Hopefully by the next blog post, life will be much better for me.
Until next time..
Take care of yourself,